Friday, July 3, 2009

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

My dad was a pediatric dentist. He called Nitrous oxide, "the magic nose." I got the magic nose a few times as a kid and I didn't like it. Feeling high was scary. I was scared of weird things, like witches and having a baby. I remember being adamant about not wanting to have a baby because someone told me it hurt. Actually, that fear was justified. That hurt like a motherfucker.

After years and years of fighting the inevitable I surrendered to having my wisdom teeth out. I think half the reason I held onto them so long was because people had been so brazen about telling their horror stories. One involved someone waking up to his dentist punching him in the side of the face to get his tooth out. No sedation for me. If I was going to do this I wanted to be alert. Plus, I heard people over 35 can die from getting their teeth pulled. If I'm going to die it's not gonna be wearing a blue paper bib covered in drool. I found an oral surgeon who seemed to think he wouldn't need to punch me in the face. I told him I only wanted Novocaine. To say I was anxious in the days leading up to this event is an understatement. It was then we (and by "we" I mean my loving husband who had to endure hours of neurotic rants about death)decided I should take Valium.

I had taken both pills by the time I arrived in the office. Even though I was mellower, I was still freaking out. They started prepping the room and shot me up with Novocaine. Now I was REALLY freaking out. I couldn't feel my face or myself swallow. I started cursing like a truck driver. Do truck drivers really curse more than people in other vocations? Anyway, when I freak out, I curse. I know the nurse and my husband were trying to talk me down but I couldn't hear them over the sound of my "F bombs." I finally looked up and there it was, the magic nose! I had the Foo Fighters on my ipod and laughing gas being sucked up my nose. I was good to go. That man could have pulled every tooth in my mouth and stolen my kidney and I would have given him the thumbs up. It was pure bliss. About 15 minutes later he told me he was finished. Noooooooooooooo! I was having a great time.

I am flying on Sunday. This is a new fear. I was never afraid to fly as a kid. Flying was exciting. I LOVED flying. Over the years this changed. I HATE flying. You can die in a plethora of ways while flying. Your pilot could be a crack addict. Someone could blow you up with a loafer. The economy could crash and airlines could file for bankruptcy and cut corners, like, on maintenance. I'm not an idiot. I know all the risks you take just by walking out the door in the morning but I'm still scared to fly. So, do you think even though I can't fly with a bottle of sunscreen they will let me on the plane with the magic nose affixed to my face?

1 comment:

Rockabilly Gypsy said...

I don't even have my teeth cleaned without a little nitrous oxide! I always think I'm on the Alice in Wonderland ride at Disneyland. It's awesome. And hell yea to taking it flying! I'd vote on that bill.