Monday, September 21, 2009

Delusions Part 1

I’m in a fight with my GPS lady. At first she was all, "Let me help you, Stacey. It’s ok directions aren’t your forte. You excel at other things. We’re in this together." She was totally accepting of my trust issues. If I wasn’t comfortable with her suggestion to go left she would immediately recalculate for me. She even understood if I gave Google Maps a booty call now and then, just in case. I finally started to let my guard down. Life was going in the right direction.

Lately though, she’s been kind of a bitch. The other day she recalculated me all the way to New Jersey and I was going to Westchester. This morning I think she tried to kill me. She knew I was alone in the car and she led me to an abandoned bridge. How am I supposed to take that? I’ve been ignoring the signs, literally. The last straw was when I punched in "home" as my destination and she was like, "really? How many times do we need to go over this?" That bitch switched over to map mode. If I knew how to read a map I would buy a fucking map and then I wouldn’t need your judgmental ass telling me where to go!

Honestly, this is what I pay her for. There are thousands of others who would die to tool around in a pimped out Nissan Murano shuffling children to and from school and activities. She is replaceable. OMG do you think she wants be with someone else? She can’t leave me. I have no idea where I’m going. I didn’t realize GPS stood for Giant Psycho Slutbag! How the hell am I gonna get to my playdate this afternoon?

11 comments:

Unknown said...

Mine is named Lucille. She picks 'fine times to leave me' all the time.

Wendi said...

I'm old school. I just use my "instincts",get lost near street where the hookers hang out, then cry until someone calls the cops. Works every time.

Lady Of The House said...

ok love the Kenny Rogers ref.

12gViolet said...

Look on the bright side! She hasn't told you to drive into a river yet. Then you know it's over...

Lady Of The House said...

We just need some time apart.

shrink on the couch said...

I have a gps cellphone. Dial husband and whimper.

Lady Of The House said...

loves it phd. I do that with pretty much everything else. Shit, I suck.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i'm an old schooler also - well sort of

i'm a mapquest then check yahoo maps then check one more, compare all three, pick the one with shortest arrival time, forget all three maps at home on kitchen table

Nel said...

I threw my GPS out of the window....on the highway.

Sarah said...

Not that I doubted you or even accepted that bet, to be clear, but IF I DID then I owe you twenty three fucking dollars!

As far as Gina the GPS Bitch, just bend her over already and show her who's boss.

Sarcastica said...

Exactly why I won't trust a GPS :) I'll settle for getting lost and calling my dad lmao!