Monday, September 7, 2009

The Great Equalizer

From a very early age we learn poop is a huge deal. Ask any new parent when the last time their cooing bundle shat and they will not only tell you when, but what it looked like. I documented my children’s movements like a jeweler appraising a diamond for cut and clarity. This may have rubbed off on them as they both got up close and personal with their excrement. My son took the more traditional approach by making his crib and wall a study in Monet. With my daughter it was more like an episode of "Law and Order: Special Feces Unit." I found her sans diaper in her bedroom holding a doll’s dress behind her back. When I went to draw her a bath I came upon a perfect little turd on top of the vanity. She said she had no idea how it got there. Needless to say it became necessary to duct tape their diapers closed before naps and bedtime. This made for an awkward moment each time we had a new sitter but was the only way to keep exploring hands out. I sent a very clear message, "No touch poopy. Poopy is yucky." It’s called shit for a reason.

When your child begins to potty train your life is ruled by poop. We read books about poop, sang songs about poop and my personal favorite were the videos about poop. If you haven’t seen "Potty Power" you are doing yourself a disservice. I prayed about pooping and world peace was pushed to the back of the line when it came to wishes. I was obsessed. The first time my child pooped on the potty I busted out a production number worthy of The Great White Way. I loved poop! As long as poop went in the bowl we were alright. I rewarded pooping on the potty with candy and stickers. I found myself telling strangers of our triumph and took pity on those who didn’t come out unscathed.

Currently, my children think it’s hilarious to call each other "Poopy, Poopyhead, Poopyface, and Poopybutt." I tell them to stop. I tell them it’s not funny, but it is. It’s fucking hilarious. Who doesn’t love a movie with a noisy shit scene or a fart in a crowded elevator? Let’s start being honest about our bodily functions. When did they become taboo? Why do we stop getting M & M’s for taking a dump? Shitting is the great equalizer. The book is true, "Everyone poops." Cindy Crawford ‘aint so hot when you picture her ass out sweating and rocking on the can. Why deny it when we fart?

One time a co-worker entered my cubicle right after I farted. There was no hiding what I’d done. As soon as she got three feet in she was gonna get smacked in the face with my gas so I told her point blank, "I farted." She appreciated my honesty and we had a good laugh. I’m not a complete heathen. I understand this isn’t ladylike and we need to have some rules. I just think we should loosen up a bit and not take shit so seriously. Later in life it won’t matter who sees us poop or who cleans it up. I’m just trying to bring us closer to world peace one dump at a time.


Anonymous said...

Wow, was that cubicle incident at 1633?

Lady Of The House said...

Ah. That is weird. Oh well. Did you join my Facebook group? That is easier and will let you know when I post new stuff. Like today.