Sunday, November 1, 2009

Bitching for the Sake (the rice wine)

There are legions of reasons why I love being a parent. But like any job, there are certain tasks which suck more than others. I mean, who enjoys cleaning fryer fat vats or handing out coupons wearing a donut costume? I’m not talking about the obvious parental tasks like potty training or that cyclical bitch, laundry. The tasks which plague me are the ones I like to refer to as, The Fine Print.

I suck at meal planning. I have no idea what I’m going to have for lunch tomorrow so how the hell should I know what two other people are gonna want. Especially people, who when asked, call out things like, "California roll" and "Chips." The recent onslaught of food allergies hasn’t helped my cause either. One day I walked into the classroom and was detained and questioned for sending my son with a personal sized Hummus. Clearly pre-school teachers are now being trained by the TSA. I quietly mumbled, "there are no peanuts or tree nuts in Hummus." She icily responded, "if you read the flyer you would know we have a sesame allergy in class."

Sesame, dairy, wheat and PEANUT BUTTER! What the fuckity fuck is going on in the world? Back in the day peanut butter was king. Annette Funicello was the spokeswhore for Christ’s sake. It was Un-American not to eat peanuts during the Carter administration. Not that I’m making light of food allergies mind you. That shit is serious. My daughter has seasonal allergies and the first time she had a reaction I carried her "Kramer v. Kramer" style into the pediatrician’s office. How about in lieu of Starbucks on every corner someone opens up a "Lunch Hut" where for $5 tired parents could purchase a delicious gluten, soy, dairy, wheat, and high fructose corn syrup free organic lunch you could pass off as your very own.

Lately, I find picking up the toys to be the most heinous part of my job. It's as if my children are in a daily race against the clock to take out and play with every fucking toy they own. I accept some of this is my fault. I mocked those who sang, "Clean up, clean up. Everybody, everywhere" opting instead for doing it myself so it was obsessively organized. I had my husband lift couches so Polly Pocket wouldn’t go to bed without wearing both of her stripper shoes. It seems as while our paranoia as parents is on the rise toys seem to be getting smaller and smaller. Hey, Playmobil! Is it fun for you to know I spend time on my hands and knees scouring my house for the microscopic removable moustaches? Are we training our children to work on tiny assembly lines? No wonder our parents made us play with pots and pans. No one ever choked on a pan.

Now give me my Sake!


Rob Wilcox said...

Remember when we were growing up and our moms could send any ol' kind of food to school they wanted? I do. I miss that. Where the heck did "sesame" allergies come from anyway?

Rob Wilcox
FaceFile Family Safety Blog

12gViolet said...

My nieces have The Food Allergies Of Doom From Hell. Dairy, gluten, many grains (even I can't remember the entire list, and this shit is serious enough that I try), strawberries, peanuts, tomatoes (TOMATOES! Sweet Baby Jeebus), several seeds (including sesame and sunflower, and possibly flax if I remember correctly), one of them is intolerant to rice... I mean, holy crap, I'm surprised these poor girls can eat anything. It makes me thank The Powers That Be every blessed day that my children have not, apparently, inherited any of this CRAP.

Back in the day, our toys were cardboard boxes and mom's old measuring cups (and we were HAPPY, damnit!), and food allergies were the exception instead of the rule. Can we have them back? Please?

Sarah VM said...

I detest picking up toys! All the little pieces and everything getting mixed up. I feel your pain.

Jen said...

I hope you enjoyed much sake, because the Fine Print is just never gonna end, is it? What about the damn Legos? And the fairy paraphernalia? And the crayons, markers, colored pencils that always are comingling?
And, really, sesame allergies? Really? I have NEVER heard this one. Never. And I'm one of those annoying ones who have a peanut allergy. Oh, Man. Hang in there.

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

you got to play with the pan? i only got to play with the lid.

smiles, bee

Tracie said...

I hate picking up toys, clothes, candy wrappers, paper, and/or any of the junk that my kids leave laying around. And Playmobil is of the devil. I hate all those tiny pieces.

Alissa said...

First of all, Allergy-Free Lunch Hut is brilliant and we should put together the business plan ASAP before someone steals your idea.

Second, when Seth was born, my brother (a parent of 3 himself) bought Max a "big brother" gift that had over 300 little pieces - I think it's called clicks? (A) It was 300 pieces - Yikes! (B) 10 months later, I now have a 10 month old who put everything into his mouth! Double-yikes! What was my brother thinking?!?!?

Beck said...

I love this line: She icily responded, "if you read the flyer you would know we have a sesame allergy in class."

How we're supposed to sort through 5000 sheets of colored paper that come home from school, I have no idea. Meanwhile all those smug teacher tree killers say things like, "It was in the summer packet." I'm sorry but I dozed off mid-way through the summer packet.

Great post. Glad you made it though the writer's block.

Ri, the Music Savvy Mom said...

I, too, am in an ongoing battle with Playmobil. It's most distressing when I want to play with the Castle Anthrax after Liam goes to bed, and I find that NONE of the knights has a helmet, only a handful have swords, and Zoot is missing her snood...

Aunt Becky said...

Playmobil is alternately my lover and my nemesis. And food allergies *sighs* I'm so grateful for the lunch lady that I could make out with her.

Stone Fox said...

picking up toys is the most cocksucking motherfucking horrible job on the face of the planet. the only thing, the ONLY thing worse than picking up toys is stepping on toys.

the millisecond i feel a sharp pain on the bottom of my foot the steam shoots from my ears and i roar out a giant ball of fire.

fo'. realz.

my kids.. they know that when mama says, "if i step on another effing lego, i'm gettin the garbage bag" they better haul ass to get all the toys back in the toybox. el pronto.

i'm kind of a mean mom. but hey, it works for me.

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Tis sentiment has been voiced but I feel compelled to repeat it: WTF is sesame allergy?! Imma gonna follow you so we will all be closer to wearing Depends together. You are all welcome.

Lady Of The House said...

Thanks for following and I can't wait to sit in my own shit with all of you :)

JC Little said...

I live in a huge mess. I try not to look. But my kids keep their own rooms tidy - what the frikk is up with that??

The Lady's Lounge said...

A fun game I used to play with my kids was:

You have and hour to pick up these toys before I throw them all in garbage bags and drag them out to the curb.

2 of the girls would race around like maniacs picking up every single toy and putting in it's perfect place.

The middle child would throw herself on her bed and mourn her losses in advance.

I never did throw any of it out but it was 66.66% effective so...

I think you're on to something with the pots and pans.