Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Vagina Manual

My 5 year old daughter is a Jr. Gynecologist. She loves her vagina and at her age, what’s not to love? It’s cooler than her arm and her brother doesn’t have one. I’ve encouraged this burgeoning relationship not because I’m all "Our Bodies Ourselves" but because I’m the Ghost of Vagina Future. I view my vagina like a Gremlin. It’s cute and fuzzy but requires a lot of maintenance and must never be fed after midnight. Sadly, when gotten wet it doesn’t multiply. I hear some can though.

It’s reprehensible some women don’t properly prepare their daughters for getting their period. Ladies, how hard is this to explain? I can’t help but wonder what these poor uninformed girls must be thinking when it does happen. "Huh? I don’t recall skinning my vagina." I’ve already started to prepare my daughter because I believe early intervention will ease the pain of a lifetime of dealing. I want my son to know what’s up too. It’s so stupid when guys trivialize what we go through every fucking month. We know it’s gross. We didn’t ask for it. Frankly, if you started bleeding from your penis in the middle of, oh, anything, you would be a little miffed. Some people do go a little overboard. I’ve heard of women throwing parties for their girls when they start to bleed. I understand the cake part but what kind of games do you play? Pin the tampon on the pussy? If these parties catch on you know MTV will do a spin off of "My Super Sweet 16" and call it "My Super Menzes Bash."

Menstruation has been happening since the beginning of time and we modern ladies have it pretty good. Imagine if you had to leave your village every time you got your period to go sit in a hut with every other girl on the rag, literally on the rag. What did they use anyway? Actually this sounds pretty good. Your kids are driving you crazy, your husband is working late, you’re ready to fucking explode from PMS and you get to say “Hey, babe, come home! I just got my period and I need to go sit in the hut.” SHIT! We should totally open up a chain of Menstrual Huts. We could make them ultra luxurious like Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spas. You can look like shit, watch trash TV and eat crap. The bottom line: vaginas should come with manuals and sometimes batteries are required.

Simple Rules For Your Vagina:

* I know it goes against the grain but wipe front to back. Trust me it's not a self cleaning oven.

*NEVER show your beaver on camera or in photographs. ‘Nuff said.

*If you put a tampon in the wrong way hold your breath before pulling it back out.

*Get to know your body because it's like a fucking maze in there. (Do not however get a vulva pendant.)

* Do you Kegels. It’s the least strenuous form of exercise you'll ever do and you reap the most benefits.

* Your pussy does NOT have 9 lives so be careful who you share it with.

29 comments:

Pig Bitch Sarah said...

Vagina Manual. Future book title? Seriously, this subject could fill an entire book. For our children. For our husbands. Shit, for other women. Perhaps you could start a little series. Who doesn't like reading about vaginas?

Let me JUST SAY...I was one of those poor little things that was not prepared for the onset of my period. Nope. Not in the least. Had no clue really. Then one day, skinned beaver! Ew. So teach, my friend. Enlighten your girl. Equally enlighten your young son.

I wish had something funny to say. I'm outta wit. The night is drawing to a close and I still have to wash my vagina before I get in the marital bed... I just stepped outta the hut this morning don't you know?

Stone Fox said...

i am going to go with charts and graphs, and perhaps i will papier-mache something up quick-like.

my mom was from the old school 'we don't need to talk about this, as i'm sure the public school system will teach you; and by the way, it's called having your periods.' yeah. periodS. plural.

and hell yeah, i am teaching my sons all about it. i don't give a shit if they are grossed out or not, they will learn about menstruation and hormones and maybe they'll figure it out why mommy is such a crazy bitch sometimes.

and, if we can have Pancake Hut and Sunglasses Hut, why the fuck can't we have Menstrual Hut? i am all about this idea. you want to franchise into canada? i'm your girl. i would LOVE a few days away from my family when i have my period. it is worth literally sitting on a rag.

allconsoffun said...

Knowledge is power. Which is explains when my 10 yo daughter came home from school & told me she was starting, I had to ask "starting what?" LOL

YES, I was a lil late to the punch but I figured it out...and that lil chic had her stuff together thanks to our open & honest communication.

She was very at ease discussing it in front of my mother (who almost had a stroke b/c my boy was present in the room as well). Kudos to you for teaching your sons too. Mine knows. He'll hopefully have a wife to deal with someday...I kinda feel it's my job to train, I mean prepare him. Plus i need the lil bugger to fetch me chocolate ever so often without argument...yanno, when my fat lazy ass doesn't want to get off the couch and go to the kitchen where the sharpest objects hide.

Thanks for posting this. Truly it couldn't have come at a better time...

humpsNbump said...

Yeah, I was totally doing Kegels while reading your post.

~ humps

Kisha said...

Fabulous post. Vaginas everywhere thank you.

Miranda said...

I started mine way before my two older sisters did. They both started when they were 16, me at 13, so my mom was even confused as to what was going on. Honestly she was, I thought I was bleeding out my butt. Then when she figured it out, she and my oldest sister's best friend sat around and told me stories of their periods. What a fun night!

Mwa said...

I don't get parents who don't talk to their children about this kind of stuff either. It's not rocket science or anything.

toywithme said...

Forget the hut, I'm all for the Menstrual Spa. Drinking champagne, pedicures, manicures, little bowls filled with PMS pills, boxes of chocolate at my disposal, massages, and wearing nothing but track pants, an old baggy t-shirt and no bra. Hell, I may never want to go home.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

My Menstrual Hut will have a giant salt lick in the middle...

*unrolls then smooths out blue print*

Tracie said...

I am all for the Menstrual Hut! That is a fabulous idea!

tracy @mamacreates said...

I heart you. I am so having the what's-happening-to-your-body talk with my daughter (currently 18 months old). My mom never did, I learned what I know from 4th grade, when they separated the boys & girls, and the girls got to send away for a sample pack of pads. Thank god I saved that sample pack, because it was like pulling teeth to get my mother to buy me tampons when I finally did start my period. I kid you not. You'd of thought she'd have rushed out to the drugstore, but no. My mother is an amazing woman & has many, many fine points, but having "the talk" was not one of them.

I have vowed (among other things) that my daughter will not be ashamed of her bodily functions (people fart, honey; just say excuse me) and maybe I won't throw her a period-party, but I also won't make her feel embarrassed to talk to me about her body & what the hell is going on with it. And if she doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine, too; I'll get her a book. But at least I can say I tried.

Renegade Mom 2 said...

I've seriously considered getting funds to start a real Red Tent in town. My vision has a mandatory silence rule in the library. I could go on and on.... but I need to add a vagina rule:

-Shit BEFORE you put in a tampon.

~RM2

thepsychobabble said...

Damn RM2, that is an excellent rule.
I got my VERY OWN 1970's book.

I was born in the mid-80s. I'm pretty sure it is the same "This is your vagina, this your vagina bleeding." book that my mom was given.

Lady Of The House said...

Ren 2 LOVE it. I'm gonna go a step further and add peeing too. You know it slips out a little whenever you sit. Right?

BabyonBored said...

This was pure genius. I just learned about my period last month and I think that's a little late. But at least next month I'll be better prepared.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm planning on making a 3 foot vagina to properly illustrate everything for my daughter. Nope. Not gonna scar her ONE BIT! NOT ME!

Mike Capp said...

I can picture the fights now:
Man: Your off to the hut.
Woman: But it isn’t time.
Man: The hell it isn’t.
Woman: Fuck you.
Man: See.
Man(on Phone): You don’t do take out? But I don’t have my own straight jacket.
Woman: Who are you talking to?
Man: No one.
Man (on phone): But she is cranky and irritable and has hot flashes.
Woman: Who the hell is that?
Man (still on phone): What do you mean menopause? Is there a manual for that? Ask who’s box?
Woman: WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!!!!!!
Man: Menstrual Hut. Turns out you have Menopause and they won’t take you anymore? Why are you hitting me!!! Stop………

Rebecca said...

That was so funny. I remember being in the 3rd grade or something and finding a tampon. I was curious about what it was. So I took it to mom and said, "What's this" She swiped it out of my hand and hid it under her leg and told me to never touch that again. (For the record it was UNused.)

Anyway, I eventually figured it out. Hate tampons to this day. I don't think mom damaged me in any way, I just don't like tampons.

Anyway, I love the hut idea.

Belle said...

I can totally remember being amazed by my vag in elementary school. I remember when the nurse told us we could hold a mirror in front of it to look at it and I was all like DUHHHH, been doing that for years lady.

BigLittleWolf said...

Discovered you this morning through Momalom. And what a truly delightful and x-tatic discovery at that!

I have sons. However, educational matters were discussed early. Whle they don't have mysterious boxes, they seem more at ease catering to their equipment. (Perhaps because it's all so visible?)

As for we the women who bear and bare all... I say - kegels with bagels. What better time, than with coffee and a few bites in the morning? After all, it's girl scout basics. Be prepared.

Love your blog!

BLW

Jen said...

OK. So I read this post when you first, um, posted it. And I love it. I think my damn kids prevented me from commenting the first time, but they're all plugged in and/or asleep right now, so ...
My daughter thought for a while that she was missing something b/c she doesn't have a penis like her older brother. I assured her this was not true. But she STILL refers to her "gina" as a penis frequently. Hmm... what to make of this? I try to make nothing of it, but ...
And, I love the 9 lives brilliance. Oh, so, true. But I think I'll save that little tidbit for my daughter for a little later on.

Pig Bitch Sarah said...

Kegels with Bagels. Laughing my ass off. Daily Plate of Crazy, indeed. Wolfie rocks.

Lady Of The House said...

Love all the comments pig-bitches. I'm doing Atkins so I'll have "Keegles and Eggs."

BigLittleWolf said...

Now I'm laughing my ass off. (Good thing. Haven't been exercising lately.)

By the way - loved your comment at Momalom : "Keep passing open windows."

On my planet (Fred) - that's not depressing. It's reality. (Still chuckling. Can "ladies" chuckle? Screw it. Now I shall guffaw.)

Tess Leonard said...

This is great! gonna keep those rules in my purse, so they are always with me.

Anonymous said...

Those are the best rules for vaginas I've ever read!!! I will pass them on to all women!!!

JillyBeeny said...

My mom NEVER discussed periods with me. I had it for 6 yrs before she ever found out that I had it. I vowed I wouldn't put my child through that. She's 6 and already knows about periods. I was 10 when I got mine, her dr said there's a good chance that she might get it earlier. Never hurts to be prepared.

Unknown said...

OK. LOL - You are brilliant!! but I have said that before.

Kegels... do they really work? I keep forgetting to do them, but in fact I think after 2 kids things change down there, if you know what I mean. I do not think my husband has shrunk so it surely must be me!

Anonymous said...

I loved this post. I was also unprepared. And this? "* Your pussy does NOT have 9 lives so be careful who you share it with." Awesome.