My 5 year old daughter is a Jr. Gynecologist. She loves her vagina and at her age, what’s not to love? It’s cooler than her arm and her brother doesn’t have one. I’ve encouraged this burgeoning relationship not because I’m all "Our Bodies Ourselves" but because I’m the Ghost of Vagina Future. I view my vagina like a Gremlin. It’s cute and fuzzy but requires a lot of maintenance and must never be fed after midnight. Sadly, when gotten wet it doesn’t multiply. I hear some can though.
It’s reprehensible some women don’t properly prepare their daughters for getting their period. Ladies, how hard is this to explain? I can’t help but wonder what these poor uninformed girls must be thinking when it does happen. "Huh? I don’t recall skinning my vagina." I’ve already started to prepare my daughter because I believe early intervention will ease the pain of a lifetime of dealing. I want my son to know what’s up too. It’s so stupid when guys trivialize what we go through every fucking month. We know it’s gross. We didn’t ask for it. Frankly, if you started bleeding from your penis in the middle of, oh, anything, you would be a little miffed. Some people do go a little overboard. I’ve heard of women throwing parties for their girls when they start to bleed. I understand the cake part but what kind of games do you play? Pin the tampon on the pussy? If these parties catch on you know MTV will do a spin off of "My Super Sweet 16" and call it "My Super Menzes Bash."
Menstruation has been happening since the beginning of time and we modern ladies have it pretty good. Imagine if you had to leave your village every time you got your period to go sit in a hut with every other girl on the rag, literally on the rag. What did they use anyway? Actually this sounds pretty good. Your kids are driving you crazy, your husband is working late, you’re ready to fucking explode from PMS and you get to say “Hey, babe, come home! I just got my period and I need to go sit in the hut.” SHIT! We should totally open up a chain of Menstrual Huts. We could make them ultra luxurious like Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spas. You can look like shit, watch trash TV and eat crap. The bottom line: vaginas should come with manuals and sometimes batteries are required.
Simple Rules For Your Vagina:
* I know it goes against the grain but wipe front to back. Trust me it's not a self cleaning oven.
*NEVER show your beaver on camera or in photographs. ‘Nuff said.
*If you put a tampon in the wrong way hold your breath before pulling it back out.
*Get to know your body because it's like a fucking maze in there. (Do not however get a vulva pendant.)
* Do you Kegels. It’s the least strenuous form of exercise you'll ever do and you reap the most benefits.
* Your pussy does NOT have 9 lives so be careful who you share it with.