Sunday, January 24, 2010

I Birthed a Republican

My 5 year old daughter adheres to a strict moral code. Her right wing tendencies first emerged when she saw a man with long hair. She looked horrified and said, “Is that a girl?” I informed her that this lovely creature was in fact a man with long hair. She shot back, “Mama. Only girls have long hair. Boys don’t have long hair.” We went back and forth until I realized she wasn’t backing down despite his bushy “chingina.” I can’t totally fault her as I’ve recently procured unwanted facial hair. Her incorrect gender assumptions are tied to men with earrings, her gym teacher, boys who wear pink, The Bee Gees and so on. I’ve been cool with her Archie Bunker ways until the day she busted out with, “Two men DON’T get married.” What in the name of Oral Roberts did you say? I wanted to grab a picket sign with a picture of labia licking mommies on it and protest. I explained marriage is a celebration of love for another person regardless of gender or race. However all she heard was “celebration” and oddly, “cake.” I quickly realized I was throwing fuel on an already smoldering fire because in addition to my girl being a republican she’s also a Bridezilla. From a very early age she’s dictated intimate details of her wedding. I got her back on the gay marriage track with an analogy about her not being allowed to marry Joe Jonas. After we ran through her wedding menu she changed her tune and voted ‘NO” on Prop 8.

Imagine if it were this easy to change people’s minds. We could break down conflict to its basest form and forget fear and bullshit. Just bottom line everything. I found myself wondering where my children stood on other issues. What would they think about health care reform? Or the legalization of marijuana? There have been several shows depicting children as drooling little morons saying, “The Darndest Things”, but did we really pay attention? Maybe the children are our future. Maybe they’re “of the Corn.” I’m not saying they hold the key to peace in the Middle East. Frankly, my little Assjackets can’t share the tape dispenser. I just think everything is so jumbled these days and kids simplify things.

I really thought I’d stumbled onto the biggest untapped resource. I was ready to make DVD’s with colorful toys and play Bach while children break down race relations and gun control. I was going to have my own infomercial until a few days later my daughter loudly declared, “I do NOT like the Chinese and I’m NEVER going to China.”

12 comments:

Kathy said...

You may not agree some of these Republican views that your daughter has picked up from God-knows-where but the fact that she has very definite opinions that she's not afraid to stand up for is really something to be proud of. You must encourage this trait while making sure that her opinions are well-informed ones. You may not always see eye-to-eye with her but you'll always respect her.

cjaxon said...

I can understand her confusion ... I mean, what is going to happen to the wedding dress industry if we just let everyone wear tuxes ... IT WILL COLLAPSE THE ECONOMY ... and all for love!

You have a smart little girl that can listen to reason and admit when she is wrong... don't expect that to last.

Anonymous said...

Did you just call your kids "assjackets"? Can I steal that please? I laughed out loud and the timing was perfect as my own little darling was thoroughly entertaining tonight as well. I still say, go with the infomercial. My kid will would buy anything on an infomercial (which is why I know where my phone is at all times.)

Coco said...

Well she certainly is an opinionated little thing isn't she. Is she being influenced by someone else? Does baby Archie B live next door or is he in her play group?

Anonymous said...

I am SO sorry! Maybe you should take her to some hippie towns and dress her like a hippie for awhile. You know, burn incense. Try to get her "in the spirit".

Nicki said...

I don't know how but I have to tell you it happens. I may not be the most liberal of Democrats but somehow I live with three children who not only espouse Republican views, they registered to vote that way also. I don't know where they came from.

I am sure it is not too late for them so when you get that DVD ready, let me know and I will stay up late - or wake in the middle of the night - and watch.

mepsipax said...

You are a failure as a parent... ha I kid. But seriously, racist much. Ah ha.
I tried to talk to my kid about the issues and they shock you. What ARE they teaching them in school. Politics, obviously... Oh and lies through DARE. Then you try to help them think for themselves... yeah not so much. Then you worry if you teach them about gay marriage and pot and independent thought and then they talk at school. Oh the drama.

Unknown said...

I'm with her, I am totally not going to China either. Every time I go to WalMart (which never happens) I feel like I'm basically there anyway.

(the product origin, not the people origin)

Heather Griffith Brewer said...

I must be doing something right then. My kids have grown up in a Republican state, with Mormons everywhere...and they get riled up that gay marriage is not legal yet.
Looks like you have a little Alex P. Keaton on your hands. We all need a little spice in our lives. Even if we wonder where it came from.

NatureGirl said...

I'm very curious to see what sort of notions my currently 3.5yo daughter brings out once she has been exposed to life a bit more...

Even though her beliefs are a bit right wing it is nice to see her so vocal and opinionated. Too many poeple are sheep IMO

shrink on the couch said...

A five year spouting Republican rhetoric as naturally as, well, a 45 year old Republican. Thank you. You have just proved my point beautifully.

The Expatresse said...

LOL . . . we call our kids "Children of the Corn," too.

I'm here to say that mine are totally down with two mommies or two daddies . . . I was taking credit for that, but after reading your post, now I'm wondering if I just got lucky.