My 5 year old daughter adheres to a strict moral code. Her right wing tendencies first emerged when she saw a man with long hair. She looked horrified and said, “Is that a girl?” I informed her that this lovely creature was in fact a man with long hair. She shot back, “Mama. Only girls have long hair. Boys don’t have long hair.” We went back and forth until I realized she wasn’t backing down despite his bushy “chingina.” I can’t totally fault her as I’ve recently procured unwanted facial hair. Her incorrect gender assumptions are tied to men with earrings, her gym teacher, boys who wear pink, The Bee Gees and so on. I’ve been cool with her Archie Bunker ways until the day she busted out with, “Two men DON’T get married.” What in the name of Oral Roberts did you say? I wanted to grab a picket sign with a picture of labia licking mommies on it and protest. I explained marriage is a celebration of love for another person regardless of gender or race. However all she heard was “celebration” and oddly, “cake.” I quickly realized I was throwing fuel on an already smoldering fire because in addition to my girl being a republican she’s also a Bridezilla. From a very early age she’s dictated intimate details of her wedding. I got her back on the gay marriage track with an analogy about her not being allowed to marry Joe Jonas. After we ran through her wedding menu she changed her tune and voted ‘NO” on Prop 8.
Imagine if it were this easy to change people’s minds. We could break down conflict to its basest form and forget fear and bullshit. Just bottom line everything. I found myself wondering where my children stood on other issues. What would they think about health care reform? Or the legalization of marijuana? There have been several shows depicting children as drooling little morons saying, “The Darndest Things”, but did we really pay attention? Maybe the children are our future. Maybe they’re “of the Corn.” I’m not saying they hold the key to peace in the Middle East. Frankly, my little Assjackets can’t share the tape dispenser. I just think everything is so jumbled these days and kids simplify things.
I really thought I’d stumbled onto the biggest untapped resource. I was ready to make DVD’s with colorful toys and play Bach while children break down race relations and gun control. I was going to have my own infomercial until a few days later my daughter loudly declared, “I do NOT like the Chinese and I’m NEVER going to China.”