Thursday, January 7, 2010

You Want a Piece of Me?

Time seems to be going by really, really fast. Remember when a year seemed like forever? Now seasons are blending and things are shifting which is making my nipples perk up and pay attention to those darn Mayans. I will disclaim right now I know nothing about the Mayans other then they are dead and want us to die a fiery death on December 21, 2012. Who the fuck follows the Mayan calendar? I know my liquor store isn’t giving that shit out. Are there people out there who say things like, “Let me check my Mayan calendar to see if we’ll be able to attend your holiday party.” According to the Mayans the end of the world will take place just a few short days before Christmas. Clearly they knew nothing about how seriously we take the holiday season.

All this has got me thinking. If I’m going to die in two years, I better start making things happen. I don’t have time for a “Bucket List.” I’m making a “Fuckit List.”

My Fuckit List:

1. Make a porn tape. This is not for mass distribution mind you but for my own enjoyment. My porno includes high jinx as well as steamy monkey sex.

2. Participate in a McDonald’s cheeseburger eating contest. Honestly I don’t give a shit if I’m the only contestant. Those burgers are some trans fat perfection.

3. Properly crash a wedding. I mean do it up. Dance with an Uncle. Sing a song. Order the chicken. The whole nine.

4. Leave a steaming pile of dog shit on someone’s doorstep. Feel free to imagine said dog shit being left for whoever has wronged you. If you so choose you can light it on fire.

5. Lay on the beach with a cocktail and a book for an entire summer. Send those sweet little fuckers to sleep away camp.

6. Take the nicest car parked with the valet, have sex in it and return it with my DNA in the back seat.

7. Dine and dash. Not just eat and run. I want costumes, Morse Code, accents. “Alias” style.


Alright Mayans, this better not be some Y2K bullshit.

33 comments:

tracy @mamacreates said...

Great list...fuck the Mayans.

cjaxon said...

Screw that ... I will still be slamming my head against a wall in two years. I think I can handle most of that list ... but I don't have a dog. Can I be you out of town date on that wedding crash? I have one of those "don't I know you" faces (although sadly that also means I have been asked if I can give a link to that porn they saw me in) Damn I wish I was kidding about that ... or that if someone secretly filmed me having sex with them that they would give me the link because I bet that is some hot ass shit!

Miranda said...

Those are way better ideas then I had, I was just going to rack up a crap load of credit cards and hope for the best!
Oh and I am totally in on the burger eating contest! mmm trans fat...

Anonymous said...

Wow. Um....Wow.

Nicki said...

Love it!!!! You may want to check out Deni Bonet's song "Fuck It." The clean version, "Stuff It" has a clip on her web site - http://www.denibonet.com/index.php?page=music

Unknown said...

I'm challenging you to defeat me in #2, in the written forum of this post.
o
We shall decide the details, location and type f cheeseburger (Reg. Cheese, or Mc Doubles [Reg. Doubles are 10c more, which I can't afford])

I will own you.

shrink on the couch said...

Forget the blue dress. Blue leather upholstery, baby!

Oh, and about the Mayans. Chocolate. They served chocolate in golden chalices as part of their religious ceremonies. They might be wrong about their calendar but they were dead on about chocolate.

Sabreena said...

I would like to add numbers 1 and 5to my own list. I would also like to give up weight loss and eat all of the cake and shit food I can handle. If it's a fiery death the cremation will totally hide the extra cellulite accumulated over the next 2 years. Happy Armagedon everyone!

Lady Of The House said...

Thank you all for your comments. phd in Yogurtry how did you fine me? Twitter or do we have a mutual friend?

toywithme said...

Damn, I thought this was going to be some sort of random pervy list of things you would fuck.

Lisa said...

toywithme, I think you just gave the Lady her next blog post idea. :-D

Rebecca said...

sex in the art museum....don't know why, but it's on my list

Not a Granny said...

on 12/12/12 I plan on crashing a beach wedding, with a very tall drink that has an umbrella, with my dog and a couple of McDonald's cheeseburgers. While at said beach wedding, I am going to dance with the father of the bride, order the prime rib and a bottle of champagne!!

KD said...

McDonalds burgers are the shit! Soak them in msg, wash it down with a beer and have a good smoke of your choice aferward!

BugginWord said...

I was going to say something about spending a whole day with mini peanut butter cups in various orifices, but now I just want to read ToyWithMe's list...and maybe eat a cheeseburger. Sigh.

Piper Heiney said...

Now I realize you didn't invite me, but I'm in for most of the list. We'd have a kick-ass time and probably come back with the tats to prove it.

I'm out for #1: Joining you for a porn vid would, I'm guessing, result in 3 naked people in one place. My guess is you're really hot, or porn vid wouldn't have made the list. And certainly not @ #1. I'm not half ugly myself, but I lack a certain amount of confidence and am amply supplied with ass. I may masturbate to the thought of it, but when it comes to the real smack down. No can do. If, on the other hand, you're ugly, shorter than my 7 YO, have a beard and weigh 300 lbs, I might reconsider. Bottom line: I don't like "competing" for a 3d party. I'll watch, though.

I'm also going to pass on #2. Why? Re-read above. Focus particularly on "amply supplied with ass." McDonalds doesn't agree w my life-long quest for svelte. And it's a little too high brow for me anyway. If you want to throw down the gauntlet on Mac-n-Cheese-n-Spam, however, I'm there.

BabyonBored said...

In my porn I want really good lighting. Like strip club lighting so my cellulite looks like an asset not a flaw. Also, I need a tattoo preferably before my porno gets made.

Unknown said...

Best idea EVER - love the fuck-it list. I am so gonna do that.

LOVE your blog by the way, and did I say BEST idea ever?

I wouldnt do the porn, don't want to see myself at those angles, still kinda shocked the partner wants to see me that way. Pizza eating contest, being rude back to rude people marathon, a bath in french fries... there's stuff I coudl do!

Anonymous said...

LOVE the list and your blog...I am following and looking forwarding to reading more of you this year even if you say fuck it all!

Renegade Mom 2 said...

I'm just glad I only have to fake two more fucking Christmases or whatever the plural of that bitch is.

I'd like to meet you and Not a Grandma in the backseat at a wedding on my birthday (12/12/12) and film you eating cheeseburgers for MY porn.

~RM2

Lady Of The House said...

Loving these comments lovers. So let me ask you. How the fuckity fuck do I respond to you wonderful people? Is anyone even getting this comment? Someone help me. I still count on my fingers.

ozma said...

Dang, you go balls out.

I like the DNA idea. I'm going to start shedding my DNA everywhere. What the hell.

And damn, you make me realize that I'm pathetic. On my fuckit all to hell list I have things like 'emigrate to Canada.' So lame!

Coco said...

Love it. Followed you over from Tact is for people who aren't witty.

Lady Of The House said...

Coco I love you already!

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

love the porn and the beach idea!!

Expat Mom said...

My reasoning is that if the Mayans did't forsee their own demise, chances are . . . their calendar isn't really that great. I'm ignoring the whole thing. Or perhaps writing a book on how to survive 2012 for all the crazies who DO believe it and then I can just get rich. :D

soccermom said...

I was thinking I would go with #1 But I really can't think of seeing myself "doin it". So I think # 6 sounds like a kick ass thing to do. Thanks so much for the great ideas. I might have to visit you more often.

Mirth said...

So if your list was my list, I'd be almost half done. Love the idea of this list and may have to delve further into it. Also, toywithme definitely needs to post a list because I suspect it would just be fantastically wrong in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

So few smart blogs. I love your irreverence, and you're funny to boot. Keep it up!

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