Time seems to be going by really, really fast. Remember when a year seemed like forever? Now seasons are blending and things are shifting which is making my nipples perk up and pay attention to those darn Mayans. I will disclaim right now I know nothing about the Mayans other then they are dead and want us to die a fiery death on December 21, 2012. Who the fuck follows the Mayan calendar? I know my liquor store isn’t giving that shit out. Are there people out there who say things like, “Let me check my Mayan calendar to see if we’ll be able to attend your holiday party.” According to the Mayans the end of the world will take place just a few short days before Christmas. Clearly they knew nothing about how seriously we take the holiday season.
All this has got me thinking. If I’m going to die in two years, I better start making things happen. I don’t have time for a “Bucket List.” I’m making a “Fuckit List.”
My Fuckit List:
1. Make a porn tape. This is not for mass distribution mind you but for my own enjoyment. My porno includes high jinx as well as steamy monkey sex.
2. Participate in a McDonald’s cheeseburger eating contest. Honestly I don’t give a shit if I’m the only contestant. Those burgers are some trans fat perfection.
3. Properly crash a wedding. I mean do it up. Dance with an Uncle. Sing a song. Order the chicken. The whole nine.
4. Leave a steaming pile of dog shit on someone’s doorstep. Feel free to imagine said dog shit being left for whoever has wronged you. If you so choose you can light it on fire.
5. Lay on the beach with a cocktail and a book for an entire summer. Send those sweet little fuckers to sleep away camp.
6. Take the nicest car parked with the valet, have sex in it and return it with my DNA in the back seat.
7. Dine and dash. Not just eat and run. I want costumes, Morse Code, accents. “Alias” style.
Alright Mayans, this better not be some Y2K bullshit.