I heard you’re retiring. I gotta be honest with you I have mixed feelings about this. It seems hasty to me. Don’t you think it’s a little irresponsible to inspire a pant suited army and simply walk away? I’d feel more settled if you would appoint a successor, but not one like that hairless testicle, Dr. Phil. You were dead on with Mhemet Oz though. He eye fucked me into getting a colonoscopy. I hope you tapped that before you gave him his own show. Anyway, you’ve given me a lot of advice and information over the years so I thought I’d do the same.
Since this is your last year, I suggest you go balls out! Really make it count. Why not do a show about boobs, topless? Or announce to the audience like only you can, “Everyone gets their own RABBIT! VIBRATOR!” Your staff can toss them into the audience while you continually shout, “YOU GET A VIBRATOR AND YOU GET A VIBRATOR!” What if you were to conduct an interview with a convicted pedophile and before he answers every question, karate chop him in the larynx?
Now, don’t get your La Perla’s in a bunch, but you my friend are the original Ponzi. I’m a cynical bitch but time and again I’ve picked up what you were putting down. I bought “The Secret”. I sat in on a virtual classroom, naked. I made sure a lingerie technician jiggled my tits into the correct sized bra. I personally interrogated every neighbor in a 15 mile radius to see if they were ever convicted of a sex crime. Lover, if you told me I had to shit on a land mine in order to lose weight, I would have done it. You’ve got skills though. As soon as I realized you were all smoke and mirrors you had already moved me onto "eating, loving and praying."
You didn’t invent the wheel with the “Ah-Ha moment”, Oprah. Smoke a joint and you’ll be “ah-ha’ing” out every orifice. And honestly, what's with the Vision Boards? I made a vision board on the inside of my high school locker. I had many pictures of Ralph Macchio and I never got to fuck him. Do you honestly believe if I put a picture of your Santa Barbara property on my board I’ll get it? Does anyone put up a picture of a bathroom attendant? We all want what you got sister. We want your books and your cashmere underwear. Personally, I hold you responsible for the auditory rape I endured when you gave everyone in your audience a car.
However, no one does a surprise or a make-over like you. You have great guests and smart tips. Thanks to you I distrust pretty much anyone walking remotely close to me in a parking garage. I’ve cried more times than I care to admit watching you, Oprah. FYI, no one should cry at 4:00PM. It’s not like I’m done with my day and can melt into the couch and snot into tissues for hours. Most of us still have after school activities and if we’re lucky a night out. I can’t shrug the harsh stuff off which leads me to ask, how can you? You’re a stronger woman than I am if you can fall asleep at night knowing what you know.
You’ve taken a lot of shots over the years, Oprah. Many from my husband who thinks you act like, “your shit tastes like ice cream.” Personally I think you shit gold bullion. I have to hand it to you though, you made it happen. Dibs on being one of your dogs in the next life.