Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Power To The Penis

The other day I was at a friend’s house when I heard my 4 year old yelling for me to “wipe his ass.” This child could potentially go off to college not knowing how to properly clean his Holey-O. After I did my motherly duty, I asked my daughter why she didn’t come and get me. I expected her to give an excuse involving Polly Pockets and their ongoing drama. Instead she said, “Because he told us to smell his poop AND his penis.” My first reaction was to laugh. Who else but a drunken frat boy would tell someone to sniff their junk? When I confronted my son he freely admitted he offered up this odd request. As we drove home in silence it dawned on me, I’m raising a GUY!

I’ll admit I was surprised when I found out I was having a boy. I didn’t grow up with a brother and my father was more Larry David than Tony Macelli. Boys are a bit of a mystery to me. It doesn’t matter what a baby’s packing. Either way it’s gonna get a rash and need Triple Paste. I’ve been very frank in teaching my children about their private parts. I thought I was pretty clear about the rules of genetalia. I didn’t realize I had to add “no smelling.” In my son’s defense he’s really into his penis right now. He just needs to learn he can’t have an afternoon taffy pull on the couch watching “Ni How Kai Lan.”

Then one night it hit me like balls in the face. I was watching my son wish his little weenis a fond farewell and tuck him safely into a Pull Up.

“Son, do you like to touch your penis?”
“YES!”
“If you wake up with a dry Pull Up for 2 weeks, you can sleep in underwear. And you know, if you sleep in underwear, you can touch your penis. AT NIGHT! Don’t you want to touch your penis at night?
“YES!”

Was it a little wrong? Sure. But that boy hasn’t had an ounce of urine in his Pull Up, for two weeks. He’s been toting around his dry training pants like a gold medal he knows he’s about to wax all night long. Maybe raising a boy won’t be that hard.

33 comments:

Dirty Dishtowels said...

Well, that's just funny as hell! I have 3 boys so I feel your pain. ;)

Anonymous said...

Hard for who, obviously not for your son?

Anonymous said...

See, I adopted and we actually had a box to check off so there was NO confusion. Dear Agency: I want a girl because I have no idea what to do with a boy. (Don't take that literally, you know what I mean, bitch.)

This post almost makes dealing with the boy parts kind of sweet and cute. Almost. I know I'm in for it during the teen years but for now, no taffy pull issues for me. Best wishes in your potty training. Longest year of my life.

Shannon said...

I laughed my ass off at this. I have a 3yo son and a 1yo son. The older is pretty fond of his junk. The whole saying goodbye to the penis as it was tucked into the pull-ups was so true... I haven't tried that bribery yet... I was sticking with toys, but so far no go!

Logical Libby said...

If only the pulling at their penises stopped at, say, age 20.

Sarah said...

OMG. THAT'S BRILLIANT! I'm totally going to try that.

I totally made the mistake of teaching my kids the proper names for junk.

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

my wife tells me all the time if I eat all my dinner and don't talk to her for the entire week I'll be allowed to pull on my wee wee on Sundays!!!

Way to keep the trend going

Sabreena said...

My 2 toddler boys are obsessed with their junk as well. I think it's a behavior laid out in their DNA. Once they find it they never leave it alone. Mine are a little rough with their friends down under so I have had to have the discussion of being nice to their penises so it's not damaged before it's real potential is reached. I think boys are great because they are simple and they won't hate mom when they're 15 (unless mom is touching thier junk, then there may be issues). Congrats on the dry Pull Up by the way. Who knew a penis could be an incentive. Very creative on your part.

Deanna @ The Unnatural Mother said...

I only have sisters, 4 to be exact, so the whole penis thing was alien to me... now I have two boys that have not stopped touching their weiners since they were born. I actually told them it's their penis and they can do what they want with it - but don't show it to anyone, don't ask anyone touch vice versa - you know the whole nine yards, I don't have to spell this one out!

Rebecca said...

That is awesome advice. You should so totally get an advice column, you could potty train all the boys of America and beyond.

Coincidence that my word verification is a guy's name "vince"

cjaxon said...

I can't top my word verification for a comment ...
PORSON!
I see "poor son" or "porn" in it ... totally works

Kidding, you are an awesome mom and I am completely using that if I need to.

Aunt Becky said...

Alex is 100% frat boy, so I get this.

Ben said...

So funny! Also, having your own penis is great. You're just jealous.

Sarah said...

Too funny! My 2 year old has always looooooved his penis. He's been playing with it since he could reach it.

Before he turned 2, he was sitting in the bath pulling on it. He looked at me and said "More penis?"

Dani_Zaz said...

Super hilarious. Since I am raising a boy, this post gave me a glimpse of what I have to look forward to. As it is, he is 17 mo and is already in love with his penis. Here I was just proud he can say the word.

Elly Lou said...

Do you think this approach would work on my husband?

mepsipax said...

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. But you won't be so that's ok. Fucking hilarious. Oh...btw... I'M BACK...

MommaKiss said...

oh. for the love of god boys and their parts. it's like they never realized the phenom of a handle before.

good luck w/the potty training.

i may or may not be drunk. horrible first comment.
please forgive.

Stone Fox said...

i seriously lol'd at the "taffy pull" comment. around here we also get a daily dose of the dancing penis.

getbornmagmomma said...

I'm with Elly Lou--is there any way we can translate this experience into training for husbands? You crazy cat! I think my favorite part of the post was the call to "Come wipe my ass!" That's a good mom, teaching them early that humor diffuses even the most unpleasant tasks.
Word verification: clable--sounds like clitoris combined with labia, then add able to it. Yes, own clitoris and labia, am able. Oh yeah.

Sarah said...

Dear Lady,

Post more.

Thank you in advance for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Sarah P

Mom O Matic said...

Excellent advice! When he gets older make sure that you tell them to always be the one to get up and get a towel so the girl doesn't have to after too.

Anonymous said...

@Lotta - LMAO All men should learn that...and they should offer it to the woman first!

steff said...

oh my god!
1. this is hilarious.
2. you handled that most awesomely.
i dont have kids YET but i must say, coming from a family of ALL women (well except the odd sperm donor here and there) i dont know if im gonna have a fucking CLUE what to do if/when the boy starts with the peen pulling.
well, now i do. im coming to you...

Unknown said...

Absolutely hilarious! I have twin boys and can so relate! Really, who knew you had to tell them no offering your penis to others to smell?

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. I have 3 granddaughters and 2 grandsons. When I told my 8 year old grandson that his 2 year old cousin had named his penis "PIP", he roared and said, "I can't belive he named his "guy". I can't wait to read your next blog! NAnny

Triplets+3=Crazy said...

I have four boys and I must admit.. I laughed so hard I was crying.. I have one left to potty train and I am so telling he can touch his penis at night!

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Serial Monogamist said...

Penis touching bribery. This is why it's soooo good to know people who have kids before I (gulp) take the leap. I'm adding this to my future baby toolbox.

Given, of course, that I can talk the boy into knocking me up.

The Sweetest said...

GENIUS! My son is just 2 1/2, so it;s still too soon to go all night with undies, but when the time is right, I am so using this tacic. He looooves his penis!

Dana @ Lil Family Blog said...

We're potty training over here... and so a friend of mine on FB linked to this for me to read...
and I laughed SO hard!

Once again, so grateful to have a girl!


lilfamily13.blogspot.com

Dumb Mom said...

Okay, you are funny as shit! You seriously just made my BList man! Wow! As a mom to three dudes I know EXACTLY what you;re talking about. We have some serious "issues" with "sword" fighting. So NOT allowed. And very NOT okay.

TravelMommy said...

This is great! Found you through parenting BY dummies. I might have to link to this post, it's that good.

thenextmartha said...

My son is not into his penis yet. Should I be concerned? I should right? Dammit, NOW what will I use to toilet train him?