I was more social than studious in school. Shocker, I know. However, I loved opening my Blue Book at the beginning of the year and writing about what I did over my summer vacation. Since I rent this little space on the internet I’d like to share some of this summer’s highlights.
Wiped my son’s asshole: For the first half of summer this act took place at his bequest every morning at 6:30 AM. I’d be in a delicious slumber and he’d bellow, “Mama! Can you wipe me up? Mama! Wipe me up!” Many suggested leaving him to his own devices but when I did, they were covered in poop. It was easier to sleep-wipe and go back to bed.
Ate enough to clog the arteries of a small village: From popcorn to ice cream. Wine tastings to Nutella, I ate the shit out of this summer. You would think being half naked in public would quell my desire for frosty treats but it only made me want them more. Luckily, I stopped short and bowed out of the “Gorilla Challenge.” (8 scoops + toppings = name on the Wall of Fame.)
Fantasized about the insanely gorgeous 30 year old man who guards the beach in front of our beach house: I lovingly refer to this man as “Lifeguard.” He makes drowning a sex act. I believe this is a direct correlation to one of the other things I did a lot this summer.
Had lazy mornings: I’ve never been a morning person and frankly if we don’t have to be somewhere before 10, why bother? I’m not ashamed to admit there were weekdays I slept until 9:30AM. It helped that my husband and I developed a fool proof plan on how to sleep in with children*.
*Except for the time they watched 25 minutes of “The Hangover” while we snored and drooled.
Went on an amazing 10 day beach vacation with my family: One of the perks of my marriage is my husband and I have tons of fun together. Sadly, the confines of our daily lives make it so we don’t get to spend as much time together. Being on vacation with him makes life better. Luckily his semen & my eggs created two beach dwelling offspring, plus if they act up we just bury them in the sand.
All in all, this summer I got tan, fat, and laid.