Friday, January 14, 2011

Driving Miss Crazy

My Dearest Children,

I write to you on the eve of my 40th fucking birthday. I have taught you many things in your young lives but NOTHING will be as important as what I write to you now. Why now? Because I want to make sure I am of sound mind when I explain what I will require in my golden years.

How to Properly Care For Your Elderly Mama:

•Please don’t let me sit in shit. I never left you in poopy so pay it forward.
•Don’t let me have facial hair. There are few things more disturbing than an old lady with a goatee.
•Since I’m convinced I will have octogenarian acne, please place a band-aid over any blemishes resembling a teratoma.
•Insist I put my teeth in. Unless daddy tells you to take them out.
•Place daddy and I in bed together and lock the door. Come back in 15 minutes and don’t ask questions.
•Please cut up my sushi. No one wants to see an old lady gum a piece of tuna.
•If at all possible make sure I have a male nurse who looks like Zak Efron shower me.
•If I can’t roll it myself please roll it for me. (It’ll be legal by then)
•Make sure I don’t trip over my boobs.
•Draw in my eyebrows as well as a teardrop prison tat so people know I’m still a badass bitch.
•If I lose my hair please do not cover my scalp with anything from the Jessica Simpson wig collection.
•Don’t get upset when I tell you things over and over and over again.
•Don’t get upset when I tell you things over and over and over again.

Shit, it’s happening already.

**I love you my babies. Yes, you will always be my babies.


Kathy said...

Love it!! You crack me glad you are blogging again.

Rebecca said...

I wonder if I should start being more patient with my kids when they tell me things over and over again. Because right now.....that's all they do.

The Animated Woman said...

HAHAHA! ....Hey wait a minute. You think you'll only need 15 minutes when you're 80? Wow.

leslieconn said...

I'm gonna need a lot of laser in the next couple decades. Thanks for reminding me.

Why Is Daddy Crying said...

dear schnookums...that's not your boobs your tripping over. Happy make that shit look easy for us young-folk.


Deaf old-ass bish...

The Expatresse said...

Words to live by!

Mwa said...

Great one! Except for the showering thing. I'd have the guy shower in front of me, but having young totty see me in all my droopy glory while he's dressed - no thanks. Then give me nurse Ratchet any day.

nuckingfutsmama said...

Love it & love YOU! Hope you have the hap-hap-happiest birthday since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye! ;-)

eeeegads said...

Fabulous! Happy Birthday!

Just Plain Tired said...

Have an awesome birthday, and stuff.

MommaKiss said...

Happiest of birthdays. May you never trip over your tits.

cjaxon said...

Happy Birthday! 40 is supposed to be the new 30 ... damn, remember how old we used to think 30 was! ;) You just get better with age. Love you!

karen said...

Delurking to say Happy Birthday! Write on!

Anonymous said...

Awesome! Happy Birthday! You're just a spring chick though cuz 40 is the new 20 :)

Anonymous said...

Oh man, LOVE daddy's comment.

Anyway, happy 40th, lover. Which reminds me. This means we've been twitter lovers for over a year. And you be my favorite of all the bad-ass, rene-moms.

Party it up real good, lady!

shrink on the couch said...

I loved them all but this is, by far, my favorite: •Insist I put my teeth in. Unless daddy tells you to take them out.

Second? The 40's is an excellent sex decade for women. Just sayin'

RavNsLove said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

Totally going to teach my children how to roll for me before I reach the age where I can no longer do it myself.

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog, you are an inspiration to me...........freedom of speech!!!!!

hellophotokitty said...

must remember to remember coming back to this for a laugh when I'm remembering to remember something funny when I'm an Elderly Mama too! HYSTERICAL!

pixielation said...

Scary, but true.

I tell my kids the same things over and over again as it is.


I don't know why I bother. When I go senile I might make food sculptures with stuff I've already chewed. That will serve them right.

Happy 40th (I turned 41 in Feb.)

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I think I'm in love! And am saving a copy to give my children (though hiding from my own parents!)

Will you please blog more?

Oh, and funny word verification: trydem. Why, yes, I'd like to try dem!

Grace McCall said...

Honestly... this is the best blog I have ever read. Fuck blogging - write a book cause i want you on my shelf.